A list of lists

It's the end of the semester. I've been drafting some blog posts and then putting them aside. (They don't seem to be gelling, quite.)

I've been grading a lot. I feel incapable of paragraphs. Instead, I've been thinking in list form.

Things I need to clean:
-- this desk right here.
-- my place at the kitchen table.
-- my closet. (The plan is to take EVERY DANG THING out of it and then decide very carefully what goes back in.)
-- my yarn and fiber stash. (I have seen moths in the house. *shudder*)
-- the outside of my car.
-- the inside of my car. (Why is it filled with pollen?)
-- my office at work. Like, the whole dang thing. It's getting really close to "bonfire" status...
-- the bins of files I put in the storage closet at work. (I'm starting to think I just didn't have the heart to throw that stuff out before, so I looked for another place to put them. I have the heart now. OUT THEY GO.)

(See? Messy! This is from maybe a week ago... but it looks almost the same right now.)

(More mess... How can people even live here??)

 
I'm really feeling the urge to get rid of stuff. This is pretty "normal" at the end of the semester--I think of it as part of the ritual of closing the lid on the past semester and starting new things. But it's really powerful this time! Maybe because it's a big year--in July we will have been in Ohio for 10 years. (How did that happen?) It's time for some cleaning out.

Things I need to write:
-- some thank you cards.
-- some graduation cards.
-- an article growing out of my conference paper this past March. (I didn't tell you about NALS--the Native American Literature Symposium. It was awesome, and gave me the kick I needed to put this writing project on the front burner, once I finish the semester.)

 

 (This is at Isleta Pueblo, near Albuquerque, our host for the symposium. Beautiful!)

-- letters to family and friends, especially the ones who sent Christmas cards.
-- a revision of an essay I want to send out again. (It got rejected. Time to put it back in circulation.)
-- a major revision of an essay that needs to go in a completely new direction. It's something I need to say, but I need to do it in a way that won't damage the relationships I've worked so hard to build over the past five years. (I know I'm being cryptic. I don't mean to. It's just a sensitive subject. More later.)
-- more blog posts.
-- poetry? really? (Dear Self: we are not a poet. Why do you keep giving me ideas for poems?)

Calls I need to make:
-- universities in Chicago and Minneapolis that might be able to rent us rooms when I take students there next May. (I didn't tell you about that either--I'm teaching a Travel-Learning course next Spring! So exciting.)
-- my friend (former student) who lives in Chicago and can help us find places, too. And I am so lucky I get to see her this summer!
-- my brother, who is just back from a business trip to South Africa--wow!
-- my friends on the rez. I miss them.
-- my Granddad, who just moved to an assisted living place.
-- my Dad, whose birthday is just days away.

Knitting I need to knit:
-- my mom's Christmas socks. (I know! But I'm on the second one. By the time she gets them it'll be WAY too warm for wool socks. Oh well. She'll have them for next season...)
-- something larger, with swathes of fabric, like maybe a shawl or a baby blanket or maybe even a sweater?? (I have not the first clue why I feel compelled to knit such a thing.)
-- and I need to block TWO things I made that are finished but just need blocking. They are gorgeous, and for me, and I just haven't had time to do that last step before I can wear them. Silly!
-- and this is not knitting, but I need to spin. Like, NEED. I got a charkha for Christmas and have barely begun to learn how to use it. I have a wonderful project on both of my wheels. I have batts and roving just waiting. NEED!

Things I need to read:
-- the blogs I've been neglecting all semester that really and truly bring me joy and make me feel connected to their writers.
-- a new novel, something I can just get lost in.
-- articles to help me articulate my argument about the NALS paper and make it awesome.
-- the magazines that have been piling up for three months or more.

Other stuff:
-- I need to go on a date with my partner.
-- I need to see at least two movies with my kid (and also maybe my partner if he wants to see them).

 (This is Stella; she is awesome. This is after an hour of riding; I am tired and sweaty but happy.)

-- I need more riding time so I can get better at this. (I didn't tell you about that either. I'm taking riding lessons! With real horses! It's awesome. I'll share soon, with more pictures.)

(This is inside the Great Circle mound in Newark; I went there for a special event last weekend.)

-- I need to go on more walks. I miss our parks.
-- I should probably do something about this abscess-looking thing on my finger. (The child said, "I want to be there when you pop it!" The man said, "Maybe we could film it and put it on YouTube!" This is life with males; somehow, I am still surprised.)
-- I need to go to yoga more--like, as much as possible.
-- I need to talk to my spirit guides--like, as much as possible.
-- I need to weed the garden. A LOT.
-- I need to go out with friends and laugh and tell stories and listen to stories and have a margarita. (That last part is optional; the other stuff is not.)

Before I can do all, or really any, of this, I need to finish grading these 10 last papers, participate in Commencement, and submit my last grades...

What's on your list (or lists!)?

Cheers,
Karen

Long playing...

(Here's a pic from last summer; notice the appreciative audience.)

So I had some further thoughts about the boy and his music, and more specifically about his listening habits lately.

He is absolutely obsessed with Vivaldi and can't seem to get enough of him. He bought a CD of The Four Seasons, and has commandeered my old CDs of the mandolin and lute concertos. (Frankly, I thought I'd get a little more mileage out of those--that he'd be impressed that I bought them many years ago, before he was born, even before I moved to California. However, sad to say, I am still not cool.)

For a little bit I was worried about this obsessive behavior, about him listening to the same thing again and again and again, playing one CD while he was getting ready for school in the morning and falling asleep at night and surfing the web. Isn't this bad for him? Isn't this a bit much? Should I intervene and encourage him to mix it up a bit?

And then I thought about my own listening habits when I was a teenager. When I bought a new album I'd play it again and again, just like he's doing. (My tastes ran more to The Beatles' Rubber Soul, and ELO, and later The Cure and U2. During weekends at my Dad's we played his copy of Jesus Christ Superstar so many times I'm surprised we didn't wear it out! To this day, I could probably sing you every dang word in that libretto.)

As I grew into my teenage years, music became a form of solace. I'd play those records again and again so that I could become one with that music, so that I knew what note came next, what lyric, what sound and I could just be IN that music, dissolve my edges and step out of time and be sound. For the time that I played that record, I could connect with some larger force and know that life was not just about the things that were bugging me, or the things that made me sad or confused. It was a healing experience, I think.

Yeah, I think it's okay. He'll be just fine.

(Looks like a nice enough place for a nap!)

Here's one big difference: the boy is discovering the healing of music on another, more complex level than I did. When we went to a sheet music store in Columbus a few weeks ago to pick up his material for his lessons, he asked if he could also get the sheet music for The Four Seasons. How could I say no?

(Room's a mess, but dang it, Vivaldi is ready to go!)

And so he is learning to play his favorite piece of music on his violin, putting into muscle memory the finger movements needed to produce those notes, and hearing the other parts even as he learns his. Even when the CD isn't playing and his violin is put away, he's moving his left hand next to his shoulder to make the notes, hearing them in his head and sometimes humming them. He's laying down pathways in his brain that, years from now, will still carry some memory of what this music meant to him at age 13, as he embarked on adolescence. Wow.

May you enjoy some music today!

Cheers,
Karen

Let's hear it for the boy!

(See how tall he's getting?! This was on New Year's day, walking at one of our favorite local parks.)

Each day at our house, we experience another reminder that we now live with a TEENAGER. And each time it's a bit of a surprise. (I wonder when/if this realization will stop being a surprise--his adolescence really kind of snuck up on us, despite the fact that, clearly, we've been living with this child every day since his birth!)

Sometimes it's a bit of Drama, punctuated by a phrase like "You guys just don't understand!" or "You guys never listen to me!" Sometimes there are tears involved, and we parents remember how heartbreaking it was when we felt excluded or confused. Sometimes it's just hearing his voice--it's so deep now that it sounds unfamiliar to me in some moments; people who call us on the phone occasionally think he's his dad!

Yesterday at the dinner table a new sign made its appearance: eye-rolling! My goodness. And last week, after a family dinner in our little downtown, he ditched us to hang out with his friends on First Friday (when the shops are open past 5 or 6). He was part of a roaming pack of teenagers! (We sort of observed at a distance for part of the time and hoped, when they were out of sight, that they were behaving nicely.)

This is all enough to unsettle me from time to time. I catch myself thinking: what happened to my little boy? Wow, that went by way too fast!

(On New Year's day, the post-sleepover scene was all about the xbox (his Xmas present).)

So, in addition to noting the surprises and occasionally difficult bits, it's also good to remember the wonderful parts of being the parents of this particular teenager. One of the things that's remarkable is that he loves music. Okay, yes, I loved music when I was a teenager, too, and it became a way to rebel (gently) against my parents. But our son is rebelling in a very interesting and unexpected way: he loves classical music.

(Here he is at a recital in October 2011--his first, as he just started private lessons this week. Why so orange? Well, it WAS a Halloween concert!)

(On the cello, here & above, is our friend Jonalyn, who is one of the best teachers I've ever witnessed. She leads a bunch of kids, Dexter included, in a string group that accompanies her advanced cello students. Such a good learning experience!)

(Here's the violin section...)

(At summertime rehearsals--actually, most of the year--shoes are optional...)

(... and otherwise Jonalyn's students have good taste in footwear!)

He's been playing violin at school for some years now, and he sings and hums all the time. He makes up songs about our cats and sings to them. He plays music by his favorite composer before bed. He's even become a bit of a music snob: he thinks the strings class at school should be playing more classical music (instead of the pieces they do play, which he thinks are corny).

(Here he is with some of his wacky musician friends after a Christmas 2010 concert at a local church.)

(Here they are playing at a nursing home, Christmas 2010. It's a lovely thing. One of my proudest moments as a parent happened in July 2010, when our normally extremely shy boy played the violin for a dining room full of patients, including Grandpa, at the veterans' hospital in South Dakota.)

(That's him in the middle. I swear I can't get a good photo of him at his concerts... I have dozens of out-of-focus ones like this! no flash + far away seats + moving people = bad photos!)

So parenthood still teaches us new things every day, and seeing the world through our son's eyes is still an adventure, even as he becomes more and more independent. Amazing.

May you enjoy a surprising change today (only the good kind)!

Cheers,
Karen

Addendum

Last week I went to a funeral for a colleague; she had been battling cancer for years, and it had finally come back and taken her.

As I was sitting in the back of the church listening to the words spoken by ministers and friends, and thinking about what a dear person she was, and what a dedicated teacher she was, my chest hurt. I was feeling physical pain at the thought of her not being in the world anymore, and how much she'd be missed.

And seeing all the people there, and knowing there were hundreds and hundreds of students whose lives she touched, I thought about the web we make when we live in community. I thought about how, even as we go about our personal, daily lives at work or with our families, seemingly tending to our own needs, we create threads of connection with others, and join our lives to theirs. We make a big giant web of interrelated beings. And so that's why it hurts when one person is taken out of that web.

And yet I wouldn't have it any other way. I would much rather be part of that web, vulnerable to pain when it is torn, than be truly alone. That web is beautiful and real and alive, and I'm glad to be part of it and to be making new strands in it every day.

Mitakuye oyasin! May you build the web today.

Karen

Thoughts of the season

(Prairies and woods at a park near us showing the fall palette; the colors of the dying year are so beautiful...)

At the risk of sounding morbid, I have found myself pondering the subject of death lately.

I've had a lot of problems, in the past, around death and the decay or degeneration or even sometimes just injury of the human body. For a while it was dang near impossible for me to go into a hospital--just the smell of the place when I walked in the door would make me tense and nervous and feel like running out the door. This is not a good thing! Especially when I'd be trying to visit a friend or have a test done...

Lately I've felt like maybe this is finally shifting, that it's getting easier for me to think about death, and about when the body breaks down. I think middle age has become a shift from thinking, in my 40s, "gee, I might die someday," to thinking, as I now approach 50: I am definitely going to die. (Of course, I have known this to be true logically and rationally, but I'm finally feeling that it's true.)

Perhaps it's the season that has prompted these thoughts lately. Some spiritual practices/traditions hold that this time of year--more specifically, around Oct. 31 to Nov. 2--is the time that we remember the dead. (Here's a nice explanation of some of the practices and history of the Day of the Dead in Mexico.) In the Celtic tradition, the veil between the worlds gets thinner and we are able to communicate with our beloved dead.

And of course, we have Halloween; as co-opted as it's been by American merchandisers, it's still a pretty special holiday, I think--I don't know of any other where grownups will wear crazy outfits, even in my conservative small town!

And today is Remembrance Day, which became Armistice Day, which in turn became Veterans Day.

With those holidays, and those traditions, think of all the souls who are being honored and prayed for and thanked this time of year! What a powerful thing.

I also have particular, more personal reasons to be thinking about death. In January of 2011, we lost Patrick's dad, and in July of this year mourned him. That loss is still pretty new, and still pretty strange to us, someone that close who is no longer here.

In October, with the love of friends to support the work of remembering the dead, I attended a wonderful Ancestors workshop. So many great ideas and activities... one of which I brought home with me: we wrote letters to our beloved dead and burned them in a fire out back in our new fire pit.

(My ancestor candle; I light it and give thanks...)

Some of my academic work lately has been about bones--about how Native American authors write about the project of repatriation, returning human remains that have been kept in museums to their tribes, where they can be properly buried. (Even now, with the advent of NAGPRA, that process does not always go smoothly...)

And there's one thing that hits real close, you might say, under our own roof: our cat Peaches is getting along in years, and she has had some serious health challenges this year. This year, we have had to face the fact that she is not going to be with us forever. She's doing fine now despite her illness, and I'm thankful she even still wants to play occasionally.

She has started this new behavior in the last few months. Sometimes when she is napping, she puts her head down and she falls into such a deep sleep that even when you call her name, she does not wake up. It's the strangest thing.

(Here she is, communing... on the Hello Kitty blanket, no less!)

So my theory is that, when she does this, she is talking to the people on the other side. They are getting her ready for the next journey she's going to take, embarking on the path to the next world. Every day I pray to be a good human steward to her and to help make that transition the most graceful it can be. I bet she's going to teach me a lot about death, and about how to find love in that process.

I hope you have a chance to hug your loved ones today, and hope you will tell the ones who've left that you still love them. They like that.

Karen

I'm worth it

Of late I have been confronted by the question of what I am worth.

This has been happening at several levels, both literal and metaphorical. On the literal level: I had to call a university office so they could straighten out a mistake with my paycheck. It was easily fixed, thank goodness, but for a few hours it looked like my recent promotion was going to result in a pay decrease. Not a good feeling, to say the least.

Over the past few weeks I've been engaged in the process of being evaluated for a raise (half the faculty is eligible each year; this happens to be my year). And this comes at the end of being up for promotion for four years. It's another process that has definite bearing, in the end, on how much money I bring home every month for doing my job. But there's more to it than that.

Part of the process involves writing a report about myself that updates a university committee and the provost about my recent activities. Perhaps this is crass, but I always feel that when I write this report, I'm answering the committee's question: "what have you done for us lately?"

Writing this report is somewhat excruciating--at least for me, a person who was taught to be modest and humble whenever possible and who suspects that just about the time you start tooting your own horn, you're going to fall on your face. And get a horn imprint on your head.

So it's not a form of expression that comes natural to me. Add to that the various neuroses I've developed over the years (thanks I'm sure to an awkward teenagerhood, a mean pseudo-step-parent, and the horrors of graduate school). Stir all this up, add a publication record with a huge gap in it, and you've got a bit of a mess. It's definitely been an effort for me to develop a writing voice in that report that is simultaneously graceful, informative, and non-defensive while also arguing, in effect, that I am fabulous.

Then there's another thread of worth that I've been thinking about since visiting a pow-wow with some students a couple weekends ago. While there I ran into a couple I know who are Sun Dancers at the ceremony I go to in South Dakota, General and Ute Grant. (They live in North Carolina, so meeting them in Ohio was unexpected!) It turns out that General is a silversmith; one of the precious materials he works with is wampum.

You've probably heard of wampum; it was a bead material, usually white or purple, made from clam shells. Back in the dinosaur days when I was in school, I was taught that it was used among the tribes in New England as money. I have a small pair of earrings that I bought at a pow-wow a couple years ago, and when I wore them I would remind myself that I have worth, I have value, that as a human being I am intrinsically worthy.

(These are the wampum earrings I bought a few years ago.)

But there's more to wampum than that. Belts made of wampum were used to seal treaties, as a kind of text to document the agreement and remind the two parties of their promise to each other. (Here is a discussion of a particular wampum belt that may have been used to seal Penn's treaty with the Delaware--scroll down for the image and the story of what happened to its match, kept by a native chief... Scroll down to pp. 6-7 of this excellent document for more about wampum from a Haudenosaunee point of view.)

Before European contact, wampum seems also to have been used to record significant stories and give the storyteller a physical representation of the event he or she would tell others, something like a Lakota winter count. (Here is a nice account of the various functions of wampum.)

There's a piece of contemporary art I read about in the National Museum of the American Indian magazine a couple years ago whose image and purpose has stayed with me: Alan Michelson's Third Bank of the River. The ginormous glass work--almost six feet tall and forty feet long!--evokes the image and feeling of the two-row wampum belt that was used in the 17th century. Installed at the border between Canada, the U.S., and the Haudenosaunee nation, the piece brings to mind issues of borders, agreements between nations, history, and land; I find it almost haunting. I'd like to see it in person someday. (I wish I could show you a photo of it in my blog, but I don't have permission. So instead I'll say go here and read this excellent article about it by Kate Morris, "Art on the River: Alan Michelson highlights border-crossing issues." There's also a description there of another of his river-centered works, Mespat, which I was lucky enough to see at the NMAI this past summer.)

Michelson's work, I think, is a beautiful example of how contemporary native artists use the forms of the past and adapt them, creating new pieces with new materials to say something important about current events and situations while also bringing the past--history and ancestors--into the conversation.

(My new wampum earrings.)

And in his craft of silversmithing, I think General is doing something similar. He uses shapes and settings that are modern, that you'd see at jewelry shows; but he also uses very old, traditional shapes (as seen above). I've seen a 19th-century photograph (in Women of the West, Luchetti & Olwell) of three generations of Nez Perce women who are all wearing earrings in this shape, made out of shell.

General taught me something new about wampum: that it was used all over the east coast, not just in the northeast. People of the nations in the south, including his ancestors the Cherokees, used it as well. His teaching about wampum is that it is used to signify, in part, the interconnectedness of all life, the idea that all of us in creation are connected with everyone and everything else. It's a kind of embodiment of the Lakota idea of Mitakuye Oyasin--all my relations.

I was so grateful to be reminded of this idea. And how fitting that that reminder came from someone I am connected with in far-away South Dakota, and that I saw him and his wife so unexpectedly. We had a beautiful conversation about the Sun Dance ceremony, and about the concept of worth, and how that feeling of worth has to come from within, never from without, and how that feeling derives from knowing we are a part of the creation, a gift of the Creator.

It was an apt reminder, received just at the right time.

(Bathroom mirror, Sept. 2011. I am worthy, and I am a relative.)

Mitakuye oyasin!
Karen

Apropos of nothing

It feels kind of silly to be putting this up after the previous entry. But I also feel like I want to move that entry down--a kind of spatial way of noting that life goes on, as awkward as that feels. (But that's part of mourning, too, right?) So here goes.

The other day I was thinking about chickens. Specifically, about rooster feathers. You see, early this past summer, I saw two young women on campus who had a distinctly non-central-Ohio look to them. They looked like they were from New York: chic, edgy, daring. And they had something in their hair, little wisps of something that looked kind of stripey. I found out through some sleuthing that it was FEATHERS. And immediately I wanted some.

(Apparently the popularity of these things is causing the sport fishing industry a lot of anxiety: they have been used for fly fishing, and now that people are wearing them in their hair, the price has skyrocketed...)

As we traveled east in June, I spotted some of these accessories at the beach, but I kind of hesitated getting them (there was a line of young women in front of me, and I didn't feel like waiting). And then as we traveled west in July and stopped by a big mall in Minneapolis (the big famous one), I looked for these feather things, but didn't find any I liked.

Now they have them in our little town (at the bead shop)! Wonder of wonders. So why am I not down there right now getting some put in my hair?

First of all, I have to figure out how to tell the difference between *real* feathers and the synthetic ones, and the synthetic ones are what I want. (Apparently roosters are killed just to harvest these feathers... This seems silly and wasteful; I'd rather have the cruelty-free option.)

And then there's the other part: I'm feeling a bit self-conscious. You see, some of my students are now sporting the feathers-in-hair fashion. (It has finally made it to central Ohio.) And the LAST thing I want is for my students to think I am trying to be like them, or fool someone into thinking I'm younger than I am, or that I am trying somehow to act like a kid.

I rather enjoy life as an adult. I just want to wear feathers in my hair because I like the way it looks.

Which makes me then think of this woman I see on History Detectives (on PBS), Gwen Wright. She is probably about 60, and an academic in addition to being a tv history detective (of course), and she is SO COOL. She has this punky hairdo, and brightly-colored glasses frames, and she wears knee-length skirts and Doc-Marten-type shoes sometimes, and her jewelry is always interesting, and she never forgets her lipstick. And of course she is smart as heck. She is just so fabulous. (Here's her web site; go check her out!) I hope I can be like her. Instead of worrying about aging gracefully, I want to think about aging fearlessly. Actually, maybe I want to do both.

So then I realized, as I was thinking about this, that I'd gone from chickens to hairdos to aging. Brains are wonderfully strange sometimes, eh?

Hope you have a wonderfully strange day!

Cheers,
Karen

P.S. Here's a NYT article in which someone in fashion says he can take seriously a woman at a business meeting wearing feathers (if it's done subtly, not a la Stephen Tyler). Good to know.