I'm on the rez, visiting with friend Steve and driving around with my partner and son. Things are going just fine and dandy.
But I am nervous.
Starting tonight, if everything goes well, I will be staying on the grounds of the Hollow Horn Bear Sun Dance, supporting the dancers at the ceremony through the end of the weekend. We will participate in Tree Day, doing the work to bring in the tree that will stand at the center of the circle. I'll stay there for the dancing while Dexter and Patrick head back up to Grandma & Grandpa's house in Pierre. For four days I'll pray and witness the sacrifice of the dancers, listen to the singing and drumming. It's a beautiful thing, and I've been waiting all year to come back to this.
But I am nervous.
I have been finding myself worrying about various things--what kind of food should I bring? will I be able to sleep out there? The friends I made last year won't be there this year; will I be able to make new friends? Will I feel sick? Will it be too hot? Will it rain? Do I have enough stuff? Do I have too much stuff?
And, deep down, I know that all of these worries are behind one Big Worry, the real source of anxiety around all of this: I am offering myself--my time, my effort, my spirit--to this ceremony and the people who participate in it; will I be enough? Am I enough, just as I am?
Only the week will tell.
May you feel calm today!
Karen
P.S. I wrote a post with photos about Mankato, Minnesota, last week but for some reason the photo placement wasn't working AT ALL. I might fiddle with it some more; if it doesn't work, I might post it with the photos in all the wrong places. :P
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I am certain you are enough, just as you are. But I understand your trepidation. I'm certain I'd be fretting. But maybe focus on the fact that it's going to be four amazing days - but four days only. So if it's too hot or if you don't sleep, it's four days. If you've brought too much stuff, well, you're hauling too much. Too little - maybe you can buy or borrow? At least, these are the things I'd be telling myself if I were fretting.
ReplyDeleteIt sounds like an amazing experience.
I think a lot of anxiety is excitement without breath, as one of my teachers used to say. Sounds like it will be one big ole week. Who wouldn't be nervous?? xx
ReplyDeleteGloria and Reya--Thanks for the words of encouragement! I have been breathing. :) I'm about to post an update...
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