Monday, June 29, 2020

Transformation underway...

Hello, friends and beloveds. I hope you are staying healthy, or recovering if you have been ill.

I have a big announcement: as of July 1st, I will no longer be an associate professor of English at Ohio Wesleyan University. 

I have opted to take the early retirement package offered by the university as a measure to reduce the faculty size (in hopes of not laying off tenured and tenure-track faculty members).

It was a complicated decision, involving consultations with family members, a financial advisor, and my primary doctor. (The disability insurance company also had to be consulted by the university's head of HR.)

And I'm having complicated feelings about it.



On the one hand, it's kind of a relief not to worry about whether I should be trying to gear up to go back to work, trying to figure out if my body could withstand 15 weeks of teaching without breaking down again. My attempts at various projects at home have made it quite clear that I cannot make a commitment to 15 weeks of anything, much less the physically and emotionally and mentally demanding job of teaching college students. By taking early retirement, I can just focus on resting and healing now.

But it's also kind of sad. I miss teaching so very much. So much it's an ache in my heart. In the past two years of being on sick leave, I have been envisioning my return to the classroom, and it was always a happy vision, even when I knew I wasn't ready yet. I always saw myself returning to teaching because I love it.

It's scary, too. Leaving my tenured job means not just leaving THIS job, but leaving ALL of academia, the whole thing. There is no going back, and there is no getting hired by another institution. So leaving this job feels a bit like stepping off a cliff.

There is no going back.

But maybe it's less like stepping off a cliff, and more like... becoming something else.



There are quiet moments of hope, almost excitement, about what the future might bring. About the life I could build if/when I recover my health. About the fun things I could do with my knowledge and expertise, sharing them with people and helping them see the amazing world that opened to me in my studies. Maybe I could take up my writing projects again; maybe I could start new ones.

I know how lucky I am--to have a supportive family, to be able to take this step, to have tools that will help me deal with the fear and anxiety that such a change brings. I am deciding to make room for joy, as well, and hope and excitement.



I'm sure I will be processing this change, getting used to what it means, for months to come. After all, transformation takes time.

Wishing you peace in the midst of change,
Karen

Black Lives Matter

It's been a while since I posted, and there's a lot going on, but I wanted to get this out there:



Black art matters.
Black joy matters.
Black poetry matters.
Black physicians matter.
Black ballet dancers matter.
Black bus drivers matter.
Black mothers matter.
Black sons matter.
Black daughters matter.
Black fathers matter.
Black uncles matter.
Black aunties matter.
Black filmmakers matter.
Black restaurant owners matter.
Black transwomen matter.
Black transmen matter.
Black storytellers matter.
Black students matter.
Black teachers matter.
Black writers matter.
Black photographers matter.
Black birdwatchers matter.
Black waitresses matter.
Black ministers matter.
Black opera singers matter.
Black journalists matter.
Black knitters matter.

Black lives matter.

Thursday, March 19, 2020

A Journal of the [Coronavirus] Year (?)

Dear friends,

There's a LOT going on right now, holy moly.

(Here is a link to a short video of Dr. Amy Acton, director of Ohio's Department of Health, giving a mini-lecture on the pandemic on Sunday, March 15: https://youtu.be/uloe-oC3z2U )

So much change to our normal lives, so much anxiety about what is coming, so much disruption to the most mundane of tasks (getting groceries, paying the utility bills, getting a haircut). It's a lot to deal with, and sometimes too much. I am still figuring out how to do this, even though I've pretty much been self-isolating for two years already, thanks to chronic illness!

My goal for the next couple days is to a) rest a lot (I am currently getting over a cold) (or at least I think that's what it is, but WHO KNOWS because there are no tests available), and b) transition from being obsessed with FB & Twitter to doing things that will make me feel less stressed and anxious, and that will bring more peace and joy. I made a whole list of possibilities! And they're all things I'm looking forward to doing.

One of them is writing--in my journal, in my notebook, or on my computer, using the mode that suits me at whatever moment I have the energy to write. I have seen several historians urge people to keep a diary of some sort, a record of what's happening and what you're feeling as we make our way through this unprecedented time. (The title of this post is a revised reference to a novel by Daniel Defoe, a fictionalized version published in the 1720s of one person's experience of the bubonic plague in London in 1665.)

I think, for generations to come, people are going to be interested in learning what it was like to go through this global event. If you're thinking, "I'm recording this for posterity, I'd better write about every single thing that happened today," let me tell you: that's not feasible! Especially with situations changing hour by hour.

So a format that limits or focuses what we do can be helpful. I am using a couple options outlined by Lynda Barry in her book Syllabus. The book provides materials from when she taught classes at the University of Wisconsin--her syllabus, but also class policies, homework assignments, classroom activities, all sorts of things. It's a really fabulous book!

One of her assignments for students is that they keep a diary--writing by hand about each day in a simple composition book. She offers two formats; I call the first one the "list" format. It looks like this:

From p. 63, the "list" diary format: what you did, what you saw,
something you heard, and a sketch of something from your day.

The idea here is to make a couple of lists (what you did, what you saw), write down a couple phrases you overheard, and add a drawing. Don't spend a lot of time on any of it, including the drawing. These are just sketches from your day, verbal and pictorial.

The second format is what I think of as the "X" format; it looks like this:

From p. 132: The "X" format includes the same information,
but in a different layout.

There's the same basic information, and drawing, but in a format that lets you use the page a little differently.

One excellent aspect of using these formats is that they're quick, focused, and limited. When I think about doing one of these pages, I don't feel preemptively exhausted.

One last note: I can't draw worth a DANG, never have been able to, except maybe for that time when I was a preteen and taught myself to draw horse heads because I was obsessed with horses and wanted them to adorn everything I owned. I am pretty much limited to stick figures, and always embarrassed by my efforts to go beyond that. (Especially because I have two VERY TALENTED artists for sisters, and my brother makes amazing technical drawings. Ahem.)

However, Barry's book has given me a way to branch out from stick figures. She teaches her students to make figures in the style of Ivan Brunetti, who describes using shapes for the body parts. They're still simple, but look identifiable as people, too.

From p. 69, Brunetti's formula: a circle head, rectangle body,
simple features, and simple limbs. Voila!

Side note about Syllabus: at the heart of this book is Barry's overarching project of including students in the process of exploring profound questions about how ideas travel from person to person, how "the natural human instinct for storytelling [becomes] a means of transferring something from one person to another" (9). What is that something? Why does it seem to have a life of its own?

I also appreciate her thoughts on what happens when we abandon drawing as something we're "bad at," fairly early in life:

"Daily practice with images both written and drawn is rare once we have lost our baby teeth and begin to think of ourselves as good at some things and bad at other things. It's not that this isn't true, but the side effects are profound once we abandon a certain activity like drawing because we are bad at it. A certain state of mind ... is also lost. A certain capacity of the mind is shuttered and for most people, it stays that way for life. It is a bad trade." (115)

From p. 115, the passage quoted above in Barry's handwriting,
with illustrations.

Reading through this book and thinking about my colleagues, I miss our students very much. I am grateful to be on leave still, as the additional stress of transferring classes to online modes would really be bad for my health right now. But I miss the opportunity to explore meaningful questions with a group of people who want to learn. It strikes me that this is a sacred exercise as we move through this perplexing, frightening, challenging time.

Stay safe, stay home, and stay well. Sending my love to all!
Karen


Saturday, February 8, 2020

Oh blog, thou art neglected! (An update)

(Written on Feb. 7th, edited and posted on Feb. 8th, 2020.)

I haven't been writing much here, or sharing much about my day-to-day life on social media... for Reasons.

One reason: I think it might be too boring (?) or alarming (?) for my friends and loved ones if I posted about my health issues, which is a frequent subject of my focus. Suffice it to say: I am still sick, and this means every day, to some extent, I am in pain and experiencing crushing fatigue and brain fog, among other symptoms, and these all make it difficult for me to do normal tasks.

Another reason: did you know that disability insurance companies monitor the social media posts of people who receive benefits, and attempt to use the information therein to declare the person ineligible to receive benefits? (Insert "well isn't that special" gif here, HA.)

But today--my birthday--I wanted to sit down and figure out how to share some thoughts.

The day started out pretty rough--I didn't get enough sleep the past couple nights, and this morning the plumbers came by to replace our water heater. They gave us an estimate yesterday, but because of a change in codes, we needed a different model, and more labor, and we're going to need an electrician to add an outlet... and all of this added up to a really significant unexpected expense. Which freaked me RIGHT OUT.

When I was able to stop panicking, I realized we could pay for it. It wasn't going to interfere with our ability to eat, pay the mortgage, etc. We will be fine! But the panic was so visceral, the worry that this was TROUBLE and we were IN TROUBLE and BAD THINGS were going to happen because all of a sudden this expensive thing was happening in our house. Logic and reason were out of the picture, and all I could feel was DANGER! THREAT!

Luckily, through literally sitting down and breathing, and through talking with Patrick, logic and reason came back, hovered and landed, and the day looked a lot less scary. The sun came out (literally) and made the snow and the ice-coated trees look beautiful. I looked at some art online (about the exhibit "Hearts of Our People: Native Women Artists," which I really, really hope I get to see). I read a little bit in an amazing book (Saeed Jones, How We Fight for Our Lives). And my Mom called and we talked about our ancestors. And then Dexter came home for a brief visit, and we talked about the universe and relativity and memes and our wacky cats. I got a fabulous book, and some slices of cake for after dinner, and my dudes sang Happy Birthday to me, and I got lots of hugs.

(Here's the book: Lynda Barry's Syllabus. I've only read a few pages so far, but it's amazing!)

I made a point of noticing and soaking up the good feelings, telling my animal self: see? We are safe; we are loved; we are well cared for. Everything is okay. And we have lovely hot water that comes right out of the faucets. Miraculous!

(Happy birthday to me! Blue velvet cake with cream cheese frosting
from Fresh Start cafe.
Is it gluten-free? NO. Did it give me a stomach ache? YES.
Totally worth it.)

Somehow, the falling snow today also helped me feel like something was in correct alignment. We always had snow on my birthday when I was growing up (in Maryland). If not snow falling from the sky, there was snow on the ground, beautiful and quiet, clean. The snow today--the first of the season to last more than an hour--felt like a reassurance, a kind of stability. We are safe. We are loved.

(The snow makes everything look lovely. Here's the view from my study window.
It's falling again today--the 8th--like flour coming down from a sifter.)

There is plenty to panic about, every dang day, around here. But also plenty to enjoy, and plenty to be in awe of. I know I am very lucky, in spite of my troubles.

Wishing you peace,
Karen