I haven't been writing much here, or sharing much about my day-to-day life on social media... for Reasons.
One reason: I think it might be too boring (?) or alarming (?) for my friends and loved ones if I posted about my health issues, which is a frequent subject of my focus. Suffice it to say: I am still sick, and this means every day, to some extent, I am in pain and experiencing crushing fatigue and brain fog, among other symptoms, and these all make it difficult for me to do normal tasks.
Another reason: did you know that disability insurance companies monitor the social media posts of people who receive benefits, and attempt to use the information therein to declare the person ineligible to receive benefits? (Insert "well isn't that special" gif here, HA.)
But today--my birthday--I wanted to sit down and figure out how to share some thoughts.
The day started out pretty rough--I didn't get enough sleep the past couple nights, and this morning the plumbers came by to replace our water heater. They gave us an estimate yesterday, but because of a change in codes, we needed a different model, and more labor, and we're going to need an electrician to add an outlet... and all of this added up to a really significant unexpected expense. Which freaked me RIGHT OUT.
When I was able to stop panicking, I realized we could pay for it. It wasn't going to interfere with our ability to eat, pay the mortgage, etc. We will be fine! But the panic was so visceral, the worry that this was TROUBLE and we were IN TROUBLE and BAD THINGS were going to happen because all of a sudden this expensive thing was happening in our house. Logic and reason were out of the picture, and all I could feel was DANGER! THREAT!
Luckily, through literally sitting down and breathing, and through talking with Patrick, logic and reason came back, hovered and landed, and the day looked a lot less scary. The sun came out (literally) and made the snow and the ice-coated trees look beautiful. I looked at some art online (about the exhibit "Hearts of Our People: Native Women Artists," which I really, really hope I get to see). I read a little bit in an amazing book (Saeed Jones, How We Fight for Our Lives). And my Mom called and we talked about our ancestors. And then Dexter came home for a brief visit, and we talked about the universe and relativity and memes and our wacky cats. I got a fabulous book, and some slices of cake for after dinner, and my dudes sang Happy Birthday to me, and I got lots of hugs.
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| (Here's the book: Lynda Barry's Syllabus. I've only read a few pages so far, but it's amazing!) |
I made a point of noticing and soaking up the good feelings, telling my animal self: see? We are safe; we are loved; we are well cared for. Everything is okay. And we have lovely hot water that comes right out of the faucets. Miraculous!
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| (Happy birthday to me! Blue velvet cake with cream cheese frosting from Fresh Start cafe. Is it gluten-free? NO. Did it give me a stomach ache? YES. Totally worth it.) |
Somehow, the falling snow today also helped me feel like something was in correct alignment. We always had snow on my birthday when I was growing up (in Maryland). If not snow falling from the sky, there was snow on the ground, beautiful and quiet, clean. The snow today--the first of the season to last more than an hour--felt like a reassurance, a kind of stability. We are safe. We are loved.
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| (The snow makes everything look lovely. Here's the view from my study window. It's falling again today--the 8th--like flour coming down from a sifter.) |
There is plenty to panic about, every dang day, around here. But also plenty to enjoy, and plenty to be in awe of. I know I am very lucky, in spite of my troubles.
Wishing you peace,
Karen
